One Liners

"I love Jesus."
..........But I make him wear a condom

  All Gods were immortal.

Geez if you believe in Honkus.

Christ died for my sins, descended into Hell, and rose again On the third day, in accordance with the Scriptures... And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied,"You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"

"...but when you come to Heritage USA, remember to bring your Bible and your VISA card - because the Bible is the Holy Truth, and God doesn't take American Express."

"God said "let there be light" and they watered down the beer.

"Democracy is the belief that twenty thousand lemmings can't all be wrong."

"I'm an atheist. Swear to god."

I once believed in god. I got better.

Why be born again, when you can just grow up?

Why does the Vatican have lightning rods?

A zealot's stones will break my bones, but gods will never hurt me.

Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither.

Power corrupts; Absolute power corrupts absolutely; God is all-powerful. Draw your own conclusions

If "he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" holds true, then jesus the carpenter met his end properly. After all, he was nailed to a piece of wood, wasn't he?

Consider the ignorance of the average fundamentalist. Then realize that by definition fully half of them must be even dumber than that.

Garbage In -- Gospel Out

JESUS IS COMING! Are you going to spit or swallow?

Although it is said that faith can move mountains, experience has shown that dynamite works better.

In the beginning there was nothing, and God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

A mystic is someone who wants to understand the universe, but is too lazy to study physics

Want to know what happens after death? Go look at some dead things.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender looks up and says, 'What is this, a joke?'

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

Noah, explaining delays in building the Ark:
' ... Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain, so I sent them a globe.'

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation. "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them. And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

Gladly The Cross eyed Bear

"If Jesus is the answer, then what was the question?"

My church welcomes ALL denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties!

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

I don't care who your father is, you drop that cross one more time, and you're out of the parade!

Jesus goes into a hotel to check in. The clerk tells him it'll be $50.00 for the night. Jesus checks his pockets, he has no money. But, he pulls out three nails, puts them on the counter and says, "I don't have any money, but I do have three nails, can you put me up for the night?"

OK, now let me see if I got this straight, because what it sounds like you're telling me is that God sent His boy to His people so that His people could kill His Boy in order to save them from the wrath of.....God.

No matter what occurs in life, the fucking Fundies will find a way to take it too seriously.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of it's mysteries, glory, and complexity, chooses to deliver a message to all of humanity, He will NOT choose some fuckstain on cable TV with a bad haircut, a cheesy white suit, and a Rolex to be the vessel of His holy word. 

People who want to share their religious views with you never fucking want you to share yours with them.

WWJD for a Klondike Bar?

Fundamentalism  n.  The deep and horrible fear that somewhere, someone is having fun.

ArmaGideon  

New this summer from Hard-on Productions, Jesus Does Dallas, Part II, The Second Cumming

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Why are we all going to hell, and what's with this fucking hand basket?.

WIFE   Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.  Promise Keeper's Handbook, Glossary of Terms.

If Jesus dyed our shins, why do we have to repaint? 

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me a pizza.

I don't believe the atheism convention exists.

Lettuce prey.

Praise da Lawd, an pass da conebred.

I had a Jesus Chrystler Plymouth, but I traded it in for a 
Ford Lucifer.

I am a dyslexic/atheist agnostic that stays awake at night wondering about the existance of dog.

Nine out of ten priests who have tried Camels, prefer young boys.

God's Sheep.   Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.

The Religious Right.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Democracy: n. the concept that fifty thousand lemmings can not be wrong.

If God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we would listen twice as much as we talk, then why are Fundies so adept at talking and so immune to listening?

Thesaurus listing for "Fundamentalists."  Sheeple, Lemmings, see also Hypocrisy.

Jewish holidays can be summed up in three sentences:
1. They tried to kill us.
2. We won.
3. Let's eat.

Mary had a little lamb, and the doctors are still confused.

Man who fart in church sits in own pew.

Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Isn't it ironic that Jesus was nailed to the cross and Mary got nailed by the Lord?

Three Religious Truths:
1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.
3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

Atheist Faith:  n.  The belief that someday, somehow, a Christian with an education, and a brain, will show up.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

After the crucifixion did Jesus use the holes in his hands to masturbate?

If Jesus had been impaled on a stake, would Christians shove sticks up their asses?

Televangelists: n. The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Did you hear about Oral Roberts and his brother Anal?

Religious Oxymorons

Good grief

Baptist High School

Holy War

Female Preacher

Gay Christian

Loving God

Free gift with donation

Religious Tolerance

Black Christian

Happily Married

Christian Science

Home Schooling